Thursday, March 30, 2006

anyone still there?

It's been a dog's age, I know. Can we pretend the reason I haven't written in over a month is that I lead a fantastically busy life and between the book club meetings, gallery openings, brunches with friends, cocktail parties, and let's not forget playgroups, I haven't had a spare moment to cobble a couple of sentences together?

I cannot tell a lie. I do not belong to a book club and haven't read anything other than trashy chick lit since my children were in utero. The last gallery opening I attended? No lie? I think it was in New Orleans, circa 1997. I did manage a one-on-one brunch with a dear friend back in January and I've been known to throw back a couple of cocktails in the privacy of my own living room once the kiddies are safely in bed. Playgroups, however? Every week without fail. My Friday playgroup is my saving grace. The thing I most look forward to each week. When did I become this person for whom the most anticipated social event of the week revolves around drooling infants laying on blankets while new moms snack on pretzels and chocolate donuts while we compare notes on pediatricians and nursing bras?

It's not going to be this way for long.

I'm going back to work. Not to the job I last posted about oh so many moons ago. When I showed up at the interview for that gig, I was told that it was only a part-time position and that the pay was abominably low. So even if I had gotten the offer, I wouldn't have taken it. So there.
No, my new job has a semi-fancy title and a bit of prestige and I think it will be challenging and interesting, but not so emotionally draining that I'll have nothing left for my family at the end of the day. Or so I tell myself. We'll see.

I still don't have a start date since the bureaucracy that is human resources has yet to call me to make my appointment to fill out all the boring paperwork required of all new employees. And to tell the truth, I don't mind so much. The delay on their end just means an extended maternity leave for me. I'm secretly hoping that they won't get their act together until May!

That said, I am excited to go back to work. I honestly think that I'm just not the kind of woman who is cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't have the patience. I don't have the creativity. I tend to feel bored and distracted more often than I care to admit. And then I feel guilty for feeling bored and distracted.

I'm hoping that by spending less than 24 hours a day with my children and my husband, I will be a better mother and wife to them. In my wildest dreams, my arrival home from work each evening will feel like coming down the stairs on Christmas morning. And weekends will have that glorified special status once again as opposed to being just two more days of the same old same old.

I am well aware that I am romanticizing the life of a Work Outside the Home Mom, just as I used to romanticize the Stay at Home option. And I know, too that I am rationalizing my return to work if only to make this decision less guilt inducing. But I have to do what I have to do. I just hope that this truly is what is best for my family, my children, for me. At least for now it feels right.


Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

there is no perfect decision. i think, either way, you can't help but have some guilt. one friend even told me that in addition to feeling guilty about leaving her baby every day, she felt guilty about the fact that it was getting easier and that she didn't tear up every time anyone asked about the baby.

in the end, you have to follow your heart and the needs of you and your family, financial and emotional, then close your eyes and hope for the best.

good luck!

8:34 AM  
Anonymous amanda said...

I'm still here. Good luck with the new job. I hope it goes well.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Rebekah said...

Still here! Glad to hear you're doing well. I totally understand your love for your playgroup! When Aidan was a baby, I had a Mommy'n'Me-type jogging class that was honestly my saving grace during the week. It got us out of the house, I got to stretch my legs, Aidan got to play with kids his age, and I had some adult conversation during the day. It was wonderful!

P.S. I could use all the prayers I can get right now ... see blog!

7:27 AM  
Blogger spiller said...

Go you.
An congratulations, not only on the job but on knowing yourself so well. Happy people make the best mothers...I'm sure there are a million studies saying keep doing what makes you happy!

You'll be fabulous.

6:28 PM  

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