the final countdown

Tomorrow is Beta Day.

So far I haven't given in to the evil HPTs. But I just might tonight. The closer it gets, the harder it is for me to wait.

I've pretty much convinced myself that I am not pregnant. Only slightly tender boobs. No cramps, no implantation spotting. No nausea. I'm not bloated or tired. I've felt more pregnant in previous cycles when there was absolutely NO chance that I could be knocked up.

So I'm trying to brace myself for disappointment. Which is why I just might run out and buy a little stick to pee on. Maybe even two. One for tonight and one for tomorrow.

Unless my husband can convince me otherwise.

If you don't hear from me tomorrow with the beta results it's because I'm out celebrating or have passed out from drowning my sorrows in a bottle or two of wine.

home again

I'm back in Mexico. Got home late last night and am still feeling drained and groggy. What a long, strange trip it's been. And while I really want to write about all of the feelings and emotions and details of my time in New York, I need to save it for another day- when I have slightly more perspective and am feeling a bit more lucid.

But for now, the simple facts. Two embryos were transferred on Tuesday. A 7 cell and an 8 cell. They were both Grade 2 (our docs grade on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being best and five being worst). The transfer was uneventful in a good way and the RE who did the transfer said that the embryos looked "perfect" and it should all go well.

So why then have I been dreaming almost every night about bleeding? About not being pregnant.

More bad news today- none of our other little embies made it to freeze. So what I've got is what I've got. Not sure where to go from here if this cycle doesn't work. Will have to cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

Mostly, I'm glad to be home. My beta is one week from today and so far that wait seems manageable. Though I'm sure I'll be tearing my hair out by Monday afternoon.

bad news, good news

The bad news is that they didn't find any sperm during my husband's surgery on Friday. Not a one. Only germ cells. So that sucks and I'm still in shock. Had convinced myself they'd find something.

The good news is that they retrieved 14 eggs on Saturday. Five were immature, but of the 9 remaining, 8 fertilized. I go in for my embryo transfer tomorrow.

And we finally go home to Mexico on Wednesday. Am definitely looking forward to that.

I promise to write with updates when I'm home and back at my own computer.

Thanks for all the well-wishes you've sent our way. Keep them coming!

slow responder

After 14 days (yes 14!) on stims, it looks like I finally get to trigger tonight. Unless of course, they call to tell me that my estrogen didn't do what it was supposed to do.

My husband goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. Very early. 6:30 to be exact and even though there's donor sperm on ice, I'm hoping we don't need it.

So, my egg retrieval should be on Saturday. The RE saw lots of nice follicles today- about 8 16 and 17 mm. He assures me my lining is perfect- "a textbook example".

I'm so ready for this and hope everything goes smoothly. Thanks for all of the warm wishes.

let's get this party started

I'm in New York. Arrived late Thursday evening. It's good to be back in the city I love, but even better to finally get the show on the road.

Yesterday morning I went in for my bloodwork and baseline ultrasound, had my mock transfer. "It couldn't have been easier," were the exact words that my RE said after inserting the catheter through my cervix. That was a relief. He even said that he thought we had an "excellent" chance of acheiving pregnancy this cycle. I hope he's right.

So my husband arrives on Thursday and I figure we'll be knee deep in acronyms by the end of next week (TESE, ER, ET, IVF).

Would you do me a favor and cross your fingers for us?

anti climactic

I called to place the order for our donor sperm last night. Two vials of ICI prepared sperm from the donor of our choice will arrive in New York on Friday morning between 9 am and noon.

I expected to feel something when I made the call, but nothing. Just me reading off the donor number, the American Express number, the zip code. Like ordering a sweater from J. Crew.

I leave tomorrow morning and am holding up surprisingly well considering that my entire future hangs in the balance of the next couple of weeks. Sort of.

Mostly I'm sad and nervous about leaving Otis behind while I'm gone. Am worried that he'll forget about me while I'm away.

Ten bucks says that I won't be able to sleep tonight to save my life.