Monday, January 31, 2005

listen. . .do you want to know a secret?

I have a secret. I've been pregnant before. About 12 years ago when I was in a relationship that was going nowhere, when I was still in college, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I didn't keep it. Obviously. Headed for the closest clinic as soon as I was allowed to (which happened to be at 6 weeks). And that was that.

Sort of.

I haven't let that hiccup from my past haunt me when it comes to all of this fertility stuff. I'm not the kind of person who believes that I'm being punished for past transgressions. I'm completely pro-choice and I made the decision I did at a time when that was the absolute best decision for me to make.

I have no regrets.

And yet. That damn guy who knocked me up keeps showing up in my dreams. I saw him last night in some strange wooded area. We were sitting at a picnic table with some other people I knew in the dream, but not in real life. He tried to take my wedding ring off, but it was stuck, so he put my finger in his mouth. Which worked. The ring came off.

He doesn't know. About the dreams. About the pregnancy. About where I am or what I'm doing (unless of course, he's googled me. I have to admit, I googled him when I woke up this morning.) It's just weird to be haunted by this. By him. Over 2000 miles away and I haven't spoken to him in years.

Is my subconcious feeling guilty? Perhaps. Though my conscious self knows that that relationship was a ridiculous one. I can't remember anything about it except for the night before I went for the abortion he had a Godfather party and I went, but made some lame excuse as to why I couldn't sleep over. That, and he sent me the most beautiful letters years after we'd gone our separate ways. I remember that they were beautiful, but have no idea what they said. They're in a box somewhere now. In my grandmother's basement. Or my mother's attic. I'm not exactly sure.

I'm not sure what to do with these dreams. Nothing, I suppose. I can't control them and it doesn't help that my husband is out of town until Thursday. But it's weird that he's showing up now. When I'm in the middle of all of this.

The good news is, I've been pregnant before. And hopefully will be pregnant again. My body has the capacity to hold on tight to an embryo. At least it did. Once upon a time. Twelve long years ago.

And damnit. I'm holding on to that.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe these dreams are telling you something. They are saying "Hey- don't give up. You can do this and you will get through this. Be strong"

-Sending you my thoughts and prayers all the way from Canada...M-J

7:04 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

What vivid, intense dreams. Thoughts of past pregnancy are impossible to dislodge, even when buried and "dealt with."

I have been thinking a lot about my own abortion lately (not questioning it, by any means, just contemplating), and in fact posted about it yesterday.

Wishing you all the luck in the world on your IVF.

--Bugs

10:09 AM  
Blogger April said...

I still think about my two abortions a lot. They seem to infiltrate the happy moments and lend - not necessarily sadness, but more of just a contemplative stillness. (Post - Silent all these years; August 13 I think)
http://underwaterclownconspiracy.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_underwaterclownconspiracy_archive.ht

I'm thinking of you.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Aliza said...

so glad to find your blog! I've been trying to purge my abortion ('93) from my mind. Did a healing ceremony. Have been told I need a grief altar but haven't gotten around to putting one together - they have to be outside and it is damn cold this winter. Am going to start getting acupuncture to deal with the stopped up emotions. The weird thing is that I've miscarried the same time each time (3x) - the same timeframe of my abortion. The mind is a powerful thing. Babyfruit Gal (http://babyfruit.typepad.com/baby/)

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm new to blogging and I like you're one

I have a **christmas gift website** great gift website. It offers loads of great christmas gifts such as name a star, become a lord, pamper gifts, personalised gifts, all types of gadgets, gifts fo him and gifts for her

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice blog, keep up the good work!
I have a site to wedding updos.
It's a free information site on wedding updos.
You should check it out if you have the time :-)

8:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you have an awesome blog ! I'have just bookmarked you.

I have a ebay acitons misspelled auction search site. It pretty much is a search engine that allows you to search eBay for misspelled auctions and allows you to find some great bargains.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)
eBay misspelled auctions

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you're right on track and not many people are willing to admit that they share your views. lost matthew fox is an AWESOME place to discuss LOST.

5:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog about cause infertility male and wanted to drop you a note telling you how impressed I was with the information you have posted here. I also have a web site about cause infertility male so I know what I'm talking about when I say your site is top-notch! Keep up the great work, you are providing a great resource on the Internet here! If you get a chance, please stop by cause infertility male

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog about cost infertility and wanted to drop you a note telling you how impressed I was with the information you have posted here. I also have a web site about cost infertility so I know what I'm talking about when I say your site is top-notch! Keep up the great work, you are providing a great resource on the Internet here! If you get a chance, please stop by cost infertility

4:50 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home