Tuesday, January 11, 2005

don't even talk to me

I'm suddenly realizing just how sensitive I've become about infertility. I got a Christmas card yesterday (it takes a long time to get mail in Mexico) from a good friend and she wished my husband and I an "amazing 2005". I know she meant well, but somehow the words she chose just stung. She knows about our problems and somehow I wished she had thought harder about how to voice her sentiment. "Wishing you a happy 2005," for example or "May all your dreams come true this year." A generic "Happy New Year!" would have been just fine. (I think.)

I find myself getting angry at people who don't know any better, who don't phrase their thoughts in ways that are palatable to my infertile ear. My friends who (by sheer luck, I have to assume) express their opinions and concerns in sensitive ways are gaining points. The others are being added to my black-list one by one. I'm afraid that pretty soon I won't have any friends left.

I think I'll scream if one more person tells me that "Everything is going to work out fine." That they're sure I'll be pregnant within the year. I certainly hope that everything works out fine and I'd love to be pregnant within the year, but I also know that there's a good chance neither of those things will happen. And I find myself losing patience every time I hear a pat phrase meant to make me feel better.

I'm starting to shut down. To become bitchy. The same woman who told me to have an amazing 2005 also happened to e-mail me a couple of days ago asking if she and her husband could come for a visit in March. And that wasn't possible, would I want to go to a resort with her and some other friends in April for a little vacation. It was clear to me right then and there that she just doesn't get it. And unfortunately, I responded with a snippy little e-mail about how everything is just so uncertain right now that the last thing I can do is plan a vacation. She hasn't written back. I don't really blame her. Part of me feels like I should do the right thing and apologize for being so bitchy and part of me feels like my response served her right.

If I'm feeling this sensitive now, I can't imagine what it's going to be like once I start taking my birth control pills and hormone shots. The ground around me is going to be covered in eggshells I'm sure.


Blogger amanda said...

I don't get "Everything is going to work out fine" thrown at me. I guess people know better by now, but I think I would lose it if someone said that to me. I'm sure the hormones won't help the sensitivity situation much, but I find that it's easier to ignore people and the outside world in general while cycling. I just focus so much on the cycle itself that I could care less about other stuff. Not that I don't get bitchy. Trust me, I do, but it's easier to block out other stuff when I'm focusing on the day to day goings on of a cycle.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Indigo Wolf said...

It's quite understandable that you're sensitive about it. Recently my dad's wife suggested that we adopt one of the kids orphaned in the tsunami. I really hate that when people find that you have fertility issues they tell you that you should adopt and that pregnancy isn't that great or anything similar. As if it's any of their business! I had to explain to her that #1 those countries aren't allowing adoptions right now for various reasons, and #2 adoption is a very time-consuming and expensive endeavor and there's so much a person has to go through before they can even think about adopting. What I couldn't tell her though is that we probably would be denied because of my husband's HIV. Anyway, that's the nice thing about having a blog/journal. You can't bitch and rant all you want and it's totally OK. You feel the way you do whether it's rational or not. And that's OK too.

1:12 PM  
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