Saturday, December 18, 2004

life's a beach

Yesterday was my last day of work and tomorrow my darling husband and I are headed for the beach! 7 days of sun and sand! We're returning to the place where we got engaged exactly two years ago and I'm hoping that if the setting isn't exactly Christmas-ey, it will be romantic and fun.

It's hard to believe that it was just two years ago that we made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together and only a year and a half ago that we said our vows aloud in front of our family and friends.

We had no idea at that time, of course, of the journey that lay ahead of us. It was just a year ago (give or take a couple of weeks) that we began trying to conceive in earnest- with no clue that it would take more than a couple of months for me to get pregnant. I thought for sure that this Christmas would be our baby's first.

But here we are a year later, without child and without hopes of getting one without medical intervention. And yet we're doing surprisingly well for a time of year that tends to be geared toward children. Just yesterday I left a couple of messages for my IVF coordinator to set up my sounding (thanks brooklyn girl) and IVF for March. I haven't heard back from her yet, but hope to have a date set by the end of first couple of weeks of 2005.

I'm ready now, I think. More ready than I was a year ago when I was full of naive hope that every cycle would be THE cycle. More ready than I was in June when we first learned of my husband's zero sperm count. More ready even than I was in September the month that our first RE predicted we'd be able to start IVF. I know now just how much I really want this baby. How much I really want to be a mother. What's its worth to me. What I'm willing to do to make it a reality. And I feel now, more than ever, that I'll be good at it. That all these unexpected road blocks on the path to parenthood have seemingly prepared me for anything.

And so I leave for the beach tomorrow and truly think that I will be able to relax. To enjoy the time there with my husband for what it is. I am hoping that it will be a true vacation in the sense that I will leave my list of potential sperm donors behind, not check my e-mail for word from my RE, not obsess about the number of cycles I have left before we begin IVF, not let myself think baby, baby, baby every other minute of the day (except as a term of endearment for my husband!)

Wherever you find yourself for the holidays, I hope it is as peaceful and relaxing as the place I will find myself in.

Happy, Happy. Merry, Merry.


Blogger amanda said...

Sounds fabulous. I hope you have a great time.

9:12 AM  

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