Sunday, December 26, 2004

bring it on

I'm back from the beach. The trip was everything I'd hoped for- sun, sand, and pina coladas. And then some- skinny dipping in a private pool with my husband, a family of raccoons (terrifying little buggers) brave enough to come right up to our dinner table one night, and an amazing surprise x-mas gift of a photograph I've been coveting since I first saw it in my mom's friend's gallery two Thanksgivings ago.

All in all my little vacation was just what I needed.

I wish I could say that I put all obsessive thoughts of babies and IVF and sperm donors to rest while I was away, but alas I did not. But (and my husband may disagree with me here) I did manage to stay pretty damn positive about the whole ordeal.

I realized on this trip how haunted I am by the thoughts of my future children. Everything we did, everywhere we went, I imagined them watching from the shadows. I could actually see them- not as infants, but as 2 or 3 year old toddlers. And I couldn't stop myself from
talking about them as if they were already here. Crazy? Maybe, but those little faces keep me going when everything seems too hard.

It's just 5 days away from the New Year and I have to admit that I'm a bit terrified as to what's in store for me. I've got so many hopes and dreams for 2005. Getting pregnant is number one on my list, of course, but my plate is full in other areas as well: there's our probable move back to the US next summer, my husband finishing his dissertation, both of us finding jobs, finding a place to live. Everything feels terribly uncertain because, well, it is. I'm finding its not so easy to make a plan and stick to it when there are so many question marks, so many "what if's" lurking around.

I know that I need to let go of my need to know what's coming next. To find the excitement in the getting there. If nothing else, 2005 is bound to be an exciting year. Not necessarily the best I've had, but certainly exciting.


Blogger Galloping Cats said...

The inability to know what's coming next is, of course, the hardest part about all of this. How you are dealing with a probable move and probable new jobs on top of it all is beyond me.

Ugh also my last comment to you has been haunting me as being horribly insensitive rather than light and fun-loving as it was intended. Please accept my apologies.

I'm glad your vacation was nice and wish you health, happiness, and a baby in 2005.

3:10 PM  
Blogger spiller said...

The nice thing about uncertainty is it keeps you in the present, doesn't it? (although I'm sure it's also frustrating as hell).

Happy 2005!. And may it bring your future baby into the world. I'll be sending good wishes your way at midnight...

7:49 PM  

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