Saturday, November 06, 2004

i am very shallow

I've started the sperm donor search in earnest. And while there are a few guys out there who meet my criteria for physical attributes and educational background, who have written personal essays that I can live with, who don't have any serious medical problems in their histories, what I really want is a current photo.

I understand why they can't provide me with one, anonymity and all that. And they do have baby photos available for me to look at. But the thing is, all babies are cute, aren't they? Well, most of them are. But we all know that they can grow up to be quite funny looking. And forgive me for saying this, but I'd like to know that my future off-spring has the genes of a hunk.

My husband is a handsome man, if I do say so myself. And way before we discovered that his sperm might not be up to the task of getting me pregnant, we assumed, as most people do, that our child would ba a perfect blend of each of our best features. I can't tell you how many times perfect strangers (and assorted friends) have told us that we would make beautiful children together. And if it weren't for the lack of sperm in our lives, I have no doubt that that would be true.

I know this sounds awful. But the thing is there is no guarantee that the donor we pick will look anything like my husband. Even if he has the same eye color and hair color and hair texture and skin tone. Even if he's the same height and weight. Even if his baby pictures are identical to the ones in my mother-in-law's photo album.

When we first started discussing the possibility of using a donor a few months ago, trying to agree on what we wanted, my husband pointed out to me that a dear friend of his would look like a great donor on paper: he's tall, blonde, blue-eyed, a doctor. He's fathered a child. He's smart and has a dry sense of humor and I bet his personal essay would kick ass. I've seen pictures of this guy from childhood and he was a decent looking kid. But, and I hate to say this about one of our good friends, he's just not a very attractive man. Not my taste anyway. I know everyone has different things that they find attractive in a person, but this guy just doesn't do for me. And I can't help wondering about the donors that we're considering. Are they like this: looking great on paper, but in real-life couldn't hold a candle to my husband?

I know that beggars can't be choosers. And I know that it's way more important that my future offspring be healthy and kind and smart and fun than beautiful. And I also know that even if we are able to use my husband's sperm, it'll be somewhat of a crap shoot in terms of what our child gets from him and what s/he gets from me. But in that case, it's a gamble I'm comfortable with since I know and love my husband so well.

How do I choose between donor #7865 and donor #5763 without knowing anything about them other than what's in the profile I'll purchase from the cryobank? How does one pick the biological father of their child out of a hat?

It feels like an impossible task and I fear that I'll be second guessing myself constantly. If only they would give me a damn picture. One measly photograph would help me out here a lot.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always thought picking genetic material for your offspring without the person attached would be a mind-blowing task, so no comments on "shallowness." Of course it's hard, and of course your going to have a thousand different thoughts, and you have a right to think and feel whatever you want.

But, my children are gorgeous (yes, especially as babies, they are turn your head beautiful). But, my dh & I are ordinary looking. Our doctor has actually looked at us and then looked at our daughter and said, wow, so that's what you get when you mix the two of you. So, you can bank on the fact that there are no simple equations for creating children -- the only exception might be if you and your dh look identical to one another already. Then, maybe you can predict what your kids might look like. Otherwise, who knows?


4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re what bj wrote ("But, my children are gorgeous (yes, especially as babies, they are turn your head beautiful). But, my dh & I are ordinary looking.")

Ditto, ditto, ditto. We look at them and wonder how it happened.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Sheri said...

Not shallow at all! I just recently posted about the horrors of sperm shopping. We have been going through the profiles and I have had the same thoughts you expressed. We found a donor who sounds "perfect" on paper, but who knows what reality is! As horrible as it sounds I don't want an "ugly" donor! Ugh. No donor is going to be able to hold a candle to my husband and it is just so difficult. Tons of luck to you!

4:10 PM  
Blogger Indigo Wolf said...

Oh I sooo know what you mean. I've been thinking the very same thing. But now we're faced with the possibility of usuing dh's sperm after all. Oh I don't know, it's all very confusing.
-Carrie Jo

8:47 AM  
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xytex uses photos for donors willing to let them.

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