Saturday, November 20, 2004

dangerous mind

I've gone and done a very stupid thing.

I've convinced myself that I am pregnant.

I know, I know. It's an impossibility and believe me I wish I could make myself be rational about this. You'd think after all of the semenalyses and blood hormone tests and ultrasounds and meeting with REs and urologists that I would know better than to let myself believe even for an instant that a miracle has occured. But I can't.

I think it all started when Guru mentioned to us that prior to sperm retrieval surgery 5% of his patients have sperm in their ejaculate and don't need the surgery at all. And then last Sunday morning- ovulation day- my husband and I made love. It was a full 6 hours or so before I felt the twinges in my ovaries that meant my egg was on her way down to my fallopian tubes. And then this morning? Seven days past ovulation? Cramping. Period like cramping. Even though my actual period isn't due until a couple of days after Thanksgiving.

Feel free to write in and burst my little 2ww bubble. I've thought I was pregnant before. Granted, it was prior to finding out that my husband had no sperm and so every symptom that I was quick to jot down had no bearing in the reality of my situation. Just like this time.

I'm perfectly aware that my cramps today might not be in my uterus at all, but in my stomach- a result of the cheap Thai food that I had last night for dinner. And it's been so long since I've actually timed intercourse that its quite possible that my equation for figuring out how long it takes for sperm to meet egg is all wrong.

And so- as not to jinx this misguided little premonition, I've continued to drink caffeinated coffee and drink my red wine with dinner. (Though I have to admit I started taking my pre-natal vitamins again. For my hair and nails! It's for my hair and nails! Really!)

I have to say I hate this. Will be both disappointed and relieved when my period arrives next cycle to burst my little fantasy. But as much as it sucks to be this disillusioned, its also a little bit nice to have this sense of hope that I haven't had since we got the results of that first semenalysis back in June.

Ugh. How am I supposed to last another week?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anything's possible. Wishing you luck...and a speedy week.

~Brooklyn Girl

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel better, I think we all do that at some point. I do it pretty much every month. Depressing and disappointing, but impossible to avoid.
The best of luck to you. Hope this is it.

thisgirl (a lurker)

1:43 PM  
Blogger Indigo Wolf said...

You think, YOU'RE crazy? I'm even crazier. My husband and I have to use condoms AND he pulls out, yet I still fantasize about being pregnant. Whic is stupid because if I was it would have to be an immaculate conception. It will be nice when we're trying for real and I don't have to feel stupid fantasizing about being pregnant.
-Carrie Jo

9:58 AM  

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