Thursday, September 16, 2004

hear me roar

I've been really angry in my dreams lately. Screaming and yelling at all sorts of people. My mother, my students, friends, strangers. And yet the things that are getting me so riled up while I'm asleep seem almost silly to me when I wake up.

Last night I was angry at my mother-in-law for forcing me to have a wedding at x-mas time so that her prize x-mas tree could be the focal point. Only it wasn't my real mother-in-law in the dream. And I was already married, had already had the wedding of my dreams which my mother pointed out to me during one of my many tantrums, when I had calmed down enough to listen. "That's not the point!" I yelled. "It's just not fair!"

In real life, I've been remarkably calm. Sick, yes. And tired, yes. But (and my husband may dispute this fact), I haven't been yelling at anyone. I don't feel angry. Okay- after an awful day at school on Monday, I was pretty pissed off at the principal, but I vented in waking life and felt much better. So where is all of this night-time rage coming from?
I have to admit, it scares me a little. Because (and again, my husband may dispute this fact), I'm not a yeller or a screamer. I'm the kind of person who holds it in and acts polite and tactful until I have a chance to vent in a less volatile setting. At home, to my husband for instance. Or in my journal. Or in my blog. But rarely, very very rarely do I let loose on the person who is making me crazy at the moment that they're making me crazy. In my dreams however, I'm out of control. Letting everyone within shouting distance know exactly why I'm so pissed off and then some.

I know that my sub-conscious isn't making all of this up on its own. I have been frustrated with more than a few things at my new job. And the infertility stuff is always in the back of my mind, even when I'm awake. But the form that all of that stress is taking in my dreams seems illogical. Though I realize that the very nature of dreams is surreal, it would make more sense to me to be yelling and screaming at our new urologist (the one my husband left this morning to go see.) Or to be crying over all of the new babies in my life (It seems everyone I know is giving birth right now). But instead, I'm getting into battles over x-mas trees and weddings.

I can only hope that I resolve these night time rages somehow, some way. It was much nicer when I was dreaming of pregnancy (my own) and holding sweet-smelling babies in my arms. But I suppose too, that if I need to act like a bitch, better to do it in my sleep than in my waking life. (another fact my husband may dispute.)


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