Tuesday, August 10, 2004

new addition

My mom called last night to tell me that my cousin had her baby. It's a boy. No name yet because he came a month early. Was delivered yesterday evening by c-section. Mom and baby are doing fine. A whole month early and the little trooper isn't even in an incubator.

I knew the baby was coming (although I expected him in a few more weeks), but I was completely caught off-guard by the way the news made me feel. Like a quick swift blow to the stomach. The same way I felt when I first heard back in January that my cousin was pregnant. We were on our second month of trying, and as I understand it, she and her husband weren't really trying at all.

I have a few friends with babies now. And a couple of them announced their second pregnancies soon after we started trying with our first. And somehow those announcements didn't sting as much as the news that my cousin was pregnant. I don't really know why. Maybe because she's family. Maybe because she is exactly my age, got married just a month after me (though she got engaged a full five months before I did). Maybe because it seemed so easy for her and I thought it would be easy for me.

I want to be happy for them, but I can't. Not yet, anyway. And that makes me feel like a rotten person. I'm already worrying about seeing the new baby at Thanksgiving when the whole family will gather as we have for the past I don't know how many years. I worry that the relatives will ask when I'm planning on getting pregnant- none of them know about our infertility, except of course my mother and my in-laws. And I worry that because they don't know, comments will be made that sound insensitive to my ears.

I dare to dream, of course, that by Thanksgiving I'll be pregnant too. If that miracle did happen that quickly (and I realize its a long shot), it'd be too soon to share the news. But that secret, in that situation, would be one I could live with. Something to hold on to in the face of all the oohing and aahing over the newest addition to our family. And so I continue to hope. Miracles do happen.


Blogger amanda said...

I understand. We're going to my husband's grandparents 50th anniversary celebration this weekend, and it will be the first time we see my husband's cousin new baby. We had already been trying 6 months before they even got married a couple of years ago. I've been dreading going because I know the baby will be the center of everyone's attention.

A lot of my friends from high school already have kids, but you're right, it's harder to deal with when it's family. My husband and I are the oldest grandchildren on both sides of our families and we were the first married (by quite a bit). I always thought we would be the first ones to have kids, too.

I'm sure on the outside, I'll be a gracious person this weekend, but I'll have all kinds of thoughts going on in the inside. Don't feel guilty about not being happy for them, yet. We have to do what we can to protect ourselves as we deal with all of this infertility crap.

I hope that by Thanksgiving, you'll be pregnant, too, but even if you're not yet, I hope that you'll be able to get through the holidays. Do whatever it takes to make things a little easier for you.

Have you gotten the tests results back, yet?

7:16 AM  
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