Monday, August 30, 2004

just another manic monday

I'm back from Boston. The wedding weekend was busy, but fun. It's always nice to catch up with folks you haven't seen in a long time. We arrived home late last night and I'm still a little bit groggy, but had to wake up early this morning - it's supposed to be my first day of work at a new job!

Supposed to be. It seems like all of my normal communication systems (e-mail, the phone) have broken down in the last couple of weeks. Dr. Hope and the stand-in nurse still haven't written to me to answer my questions. And here I sit, at home, on what was supposed to be my first day of work because the guy who hired me, the guy I'll be working for, has yet to tell me when and where I'm supposed to report. I called and left a message with his secretary as soon as I woke up this morning and am waiting for his return call. Never mind that he was supposed to e-mail me while I was gone with the details and didn't. Or that I tried calling him at work the afternoon before I left for Boston (and the days prior to that) only to leave messages with his secretary that he never returned. And I tried calling him at home the night before I left but only got a busy signal (for over an hour). Then e-mailed him from the airport in the morning and again from the hotel yesterday morning. But when I got home last night- no messages. And somehow I just know that he's going to pin this on me, like it's my fault I didn't get in touch with him, that I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now. And I hate that. For a control freak like me, its the worst feeling in the world to have things so out of control and then to be blamed for it.

Late on my first day. This isn't like me at all.

The job? Well, I'm supposed to be doing counseling part-time at a bilingual school here in Mexico and working in the library there the rest of the time. My husband works at the university part of the school and I'll be at another campus of the same school- the elementary school campus. It's a made-up position. I haven't worked for over a year despite my efforts to find a job but with the cost of fertility treatments staring us in the face, it was really time for me to get back to work. I'm excited for the counseling part (I'm a social worker), but feeling more than a little weird about the nepotism involved to get me a job in the first place. It'd be one thing to be hired for an existing position that needed to be filled, its quite another to have your husband talk to the school's owner to see what they can come up with. So counseling and library work it is. If I ever actually get a chance to speak to the headmaster to figure out where to go.

I don't really want to work. Or I should say, I don't really want to work at this job. I'm used to getting by on my own merit, and this seems like the opposite of that. I know that it will be good for me to get out of the house and that it will be good to have something on my resume to show for the time that I've been in Mexico, but the idea that someone is doing me a favor in hiring me doesn't sit well. And I'm worried about the time off that I may have to take once our first IVF cycle is underway. And the stress of a new job combined with the stress of treatment. And since my husband is connected to the school, I worry that mishaps like this morning will reflect badly on him. The administration at this school has a reputation for being a bit kooky and I don't want to jeopardize his career because my performance isn't up to par.

But beggars can't be choosers and since my job search up until now has only resulted in a few frustrating interviews, this is my only work option. And I'll make the best of it. I'm sure once I get in there and start working with the kids, I'll be fine, even happy. But right now, I'm just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. An all too familiar position over the past couple of weeks.

* * * * * * *
In completely unrelated news, the September Marie Claire Mexico is out on the newsstands and I'm in it (on page 65). In Spanish, my quote doesn't sound quite as idiotic as it did in English and despite the fact I hadn't showered the day they took the picture, I look presentable. Thank god for small favors.


Blogger amanda said...

Wow! You're famous. Do they sell that edition in the US?

Sorry to hear that you're still waiting on Dr. Hope for a reply and now waiting on your boss. Waiting sucks! I hope you hear from both of them soon and that things are cleared up (at least as much as possible).

8:22 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Forgot to add that I'm going to have that song stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Oh, The Bangles, now that's a trip down memory lane.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone has days when they are down, worn out, chronic anxiety and just not feeling all that happy.

That's OK, you need to have days like this, otherwise how would you know when you are happy. You need to have something to contrast your happiness with. What is black without white?

Even though you know that sadness (chronic anxiety) is a part of life, let's try to make it a small part of life.

With that said, here are a few tips to help you feel better when you are feeling down in the dumps. They are easy to do, easy to practice every day and they work!

1. Stand up straight, sit up straight. When your body is in alignment your energy can flow and when your energy is flowing freely, you can flow.

2. Smile! Yes, just smile. Easy to do and effective.

3. Repeat positive affirmations. Things like "I feel good", "Positive energy flows through my body", "I see the good in all".

4. Listen to some music that you like. It doesn't have to be anything specific, just something you enjoy. Certain types of music work better than others, but experiment and see what works for you. Studies have shown that Classical music and new age music work best.

5. Take some time out for yourself, relax and read a book, do something for yourself.

6. Meditate. Meditation is an excellent habit to develop. It will serve you in all that you do. If you are one who has a hard time sitting still, then try some special meditation CDs that coax your brain into the meditative state. Just search for "Meditation music" on Google or Yahoo and explore.

Our outside work is simply a reflection of our inside world. Remember there is no reality just your perception of it. Use this truth to your advantage. Whenever you are sad, realize that it is all in your mind and you do have the power to change your perception.

These tips will lift you up when you are down, but don't just use them when you are sad or chronic anxiety . Try and practice them everyday, make them a habit. You will be surprised at how these simple exercises will keep the rainy days away.

On a final note, if you are in a deep depression that you can't seem to shake, please go see a doctor. This is your life and don't take any chances. chronic anxiety

10:42 AM  

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