Thursday, August 12, 2004

jumping the gun

Dr. Hope is on vacation, so although Nurse Helpful received our bloodwork results yesterday, I won't hear anything "official" until later today once she's talked to Dr. Hope's stand-in. Needless to say, I'm more than a bit anxious.

Yesterday I managed to convince myself that we're not going to be able to use my husband's sperm and went on a mad search for donors that look something like him. I was surprised to learn that there aren't that many men out there with brown wavy hair and brown or hazel eyes who are between 5'8 and 5'11. And even fewer that have advanced degrees. Four to be exact.

The experiment was fascinating, but depressing. Because I didn't choose my husband based on the color of his hair or his eyes or his height. I chose him because he can make me laugh even when I'm dead-set against it. And because he's smart and stylish and loves to spend the day with the NY Times on Sundays. And because his smile is genuine and real and lights up a room. I chose him because he gets me (and sometimes that's hard to do) and because I get him. Because he's a good debater and loves to travel and likes my cooking. Because he's great with kids and is an excellent teacher and will make an even better father. I chose him because I love him.

The potential donors might enjoy running and canoeing and hold advanced degrees in neuroscience, but they can't make me laugh. I don't know what they look like when they're sleeping. I don't know if they'd be able to handle my moods. And while that doesn't really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things, it does make me wonder just what it is I'm looking for exactly.

Over dinner last night, my husband asked why I'm so hell-bent on having a donor that looks like him. And I didn't really have a good answer. I know that when we talked about adopting, we were both on board with getting a baby from China, so why all of a sudden do I have this need to replicate my husband's genes as best I can? I have no idea.

I'm hoping of course, that it won't come down to needing a donor. Lest you think I'm jumping the gun. . .okay I am, but its not unprecedented, just know that I had already picked out nursery bedding (both for a girl and a boy) and a diaper bag only a month or so into trying to conceive. I'd visited maternity stores online and made a list of "essentials" to buy just as soon as I got my BFP. And while those tasks were done out of hope, this latest donor shopping is my way of tempting fate. I had the diaper bag picked out and didn't need it, maybe if I choose a donor, I won't need him either.

One sperm is all it takes (didn't we learn that in junior high health class?) and if this reverse psychology works, that sperm will be my husband's.


Blogger amanda said...

I don't think of it as jumping the gun. I think of it as getting prepared just in case plan B or C or D is needed. I remember going through those sperm donor profiles on line, too. Good luck to you guys as you sit waiting for answers and facing diffucult decisions.

8:08 AM  
Blogger caro said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and your last post inspired me to say hi and introduce myself and wish you luck. I'm right there with you on the whole magical-superstitious thinking thing. Here's to strategic shopping!

9:50 AM  

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