Friday, July 23, 2004

nervous, worried, anxious

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, my husband and I will get on a plane for DC. We meet with Dr. Hope (the RE) on Monday morning and have an appointment scheduled with a urologist on Tuesday.

Believe it or not, I've been a bit less obsessive about all of this infertility stuff for the past couple of weeks, if only because I've read everything that there is to read online about it. Besides the infertility support websites, and the scientific statistics, I've been reading blogs and skimming message boards. And frankly, there's just nothing else out there for me to get my hands on. Plus, I know that until we meet with the doctors, there's absolutely nothing I can do on this end to make our problems go away. And so, whether I like it or not, I've had to let go a little bit.

But now, with the doctors visits suddenly seeming real and not just a date impossibly far away, I'm getting nervous, worried, anxious. And I can't really put my finger on exactly what I'm worried about. Or rather, there are so many things that I'm worried about that I can't even prioritize the fears in some logical order. But for your viewing pleasure, here they are:

1. Worry that Dr. Hope will take all of 5 minutes to look at our medical history forms (4 very detailed pages each, people!) and send us on our way, telling us to make an appointment with the receptionist on our way out as there is nothing practical he can do at this time.

2. Fear that by seeing the urologist AFTER seeing Dr. Hope is doing things backwards. And/or fear that they will disagree on how to proceed.

3. Worry that the results from my bloodwork are abnormal and discovering that in addition to having a male factor issue, we also have a me factor issue.

4. Anxiety that Dr. Hope WILL want to start our protocol right away, but my husband will have to return to work thereby either delaying the process for another month at least or abandoning me in DC to undergo whatever treatments are necessary on my own.

5. Fear that our chances of getting pregnant this millenium are nil.

6. Fear that I have some rare blood disorder that will be revealed to me when Dr. Hope looks at my lab results.

7. Worry that Dr. Hope will order an HSG for me.

There are more, but they all run along these lines. You get the idea. Basically, I'm just a nervous wreck about any and every possibility for the visit.

Except for the part where we get to go to IKEA to pick out a new duvet cover and some frames. I'm pretty sure I know how that will go.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I be nosy?

You mentioned your husband has azospermia. Are you planning on that proceedure (no idea of the name) where they harvest a bit of testicular tissue, search for a few key sperm, and then perform ICSI?

I watched a few episodes of "Baby Lab" where the doctor who invented the process did a few cases of just that.

Also, being an HSG veteran, it's a good idea, and over after just a few painful minutes. You'll be great, kiddo.

Oh... and one more big important thing: YOUR DOCTORS WORK FOR YOU. Don't leave until you have what you want. If you've got the order wrong, return to Dr. Hope and sit in his office until he "fits you in". Demand the best service and you'll get it.

Julia (the nosy)
Uncommon Misconception

8:10 AM  
Blogger Sanorah said...

my fingers are crossed for you!

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband was diagnosed with azoospermia, and there were no swimmers at all following the testicular biopsy - if you ever want to talk, let me know. We had already adopted during our wait to get pregnant and discovered this following our adoption...we are now on adoption number 2. And yes, there are still times when I DESPISE the sight of pregnant women, but I would never trade my hubbie for one with buckets of sperm!

2:50 PM  
Blogger martha said...

Good luck to you!

1:59 PM  

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