Monday, June 28, 2004

its not my party. i can't cry though i want to

We just got a wedding invitation in the mail. This is really no surprise since my husband is the best man in the upcoming wedding and has been planning the bachelor party for months. But getting that invitation in the mail makes it all so real. And what I'm selfishly thinking about is not the happiness of the future bride and groom, but how months ago I wondered if I'd even be able to go to the wedding at all or if I'd be too pregnant to fly. And then as time passed, whether or not I'd be able to find a cute maternity dress to show off my little belly. And then, whether or not I'd even be showing, if we'd tell.

Now, all of those worries sadly cast aside, I wonder where we'll be in the IVF process- if we'll know by then whether my husband has viable sperm in his testicles, if I'll be put back on birth control pills to regulate my cycle, if I'll be shooting myself in the ass every night with my daily dose of hormones, or if maybe we'll be even further along than that- if we'll have had an IVF cycle, if I'll be unable to take part in the champagne toast, afraid to dance too hard and shake my precious little embryos out of their new nest.

Only a couple of my husband's friends know about our predicament. The future groom is one of those friends, although he hasn't yet (as far as I know) responded to the e-mail my husband sent him telling about his lack of sperm. And who can blame him? He's planning a wedding for godsakes and who wants to think about infertility just weeks before they're tying the knot, planning their own future? And so my husband continues to e-mail with other news, updates about the hotel they'll stay in during the bachelor party celebration, who's arriving when. One of the bachelor party revelers replied to a mass e-mail with "There's so much shit going on in my life right now, I need a fucking break!", meaning of course, that it'll be good to be with the guys, drinking and carrying on, telling embarrassing stories about the groom. . .But when I heard about his reply, I could only think: If you only knew what shit was!

My husband called the "friend of the shit" after he got the e-mail. He wanted to make sure that all was okay with the new house, the job, the girlfriend. And his friend told him that he was overwhelmed with everything at the moment, that they'd have to really catch up at another time. He did ask my husband if I was pregnant yet (he knew that we were trying) and when my husband said "no, not yet", he asked if we were still trying. Oh, yeah. Trying and then some. But my husband didn't go into it. Politely said he'd let his friend get back to all that was overwhelming him. They'd talk again soon.

I don't think I give my husband enough credit. I worry and think about having a baby every day. I usually find myself in tears about it at least once a day. And I've gotten angry at him, picked fights with him because he doesn't seem to care. Won't talk about it unless I bring it up first. I've accused him of spending more time planning our anniversary vacation, the bachelor party for his friend, than thinking about the various medical procedures in our future. I've blamed him for not reading more about male factor infertility online. I know that he copes differently than I do, but I want him to cope the same way. I want him to come home from work and say not "There's an art museum in Atlanta that we have to go to!", but "I've been giving more thought to the donor sperm option." or "Did you go to the resolve website today? There was a great post about ICSI."
I want him to confess that he found himself in happy tears after reading about someone else's BFP (that's Big Fat Positive) after 6 tries at artificial insemination.

I know its not fair. I know that he wants a baby just as much as I do. And I know that he's sacrificing time off from work, may have to undergo a painful surgery, will have to live with my hormonal moodiness. He's always said he wanted at least two kids, maybe three and that now we may only have a chance at one. And I know that we're two different people who experience things in two different ways. I obsess. I can think about only one aspect of my life at a time and right now that aspect is our infertility. He, on the other hand, feels like until we see Dr. Hope, things are out of our control and we might as well keep on living our lives. And ultimately he's right. I know that he's right. And yet I still can't let go. I feel as though the more I read online- both scientific research and personal stories- the more prepared I will be. The more I will feel in control, whether or not that's actually the case.

So, there's this wedding in a couple of months. And there will be at least one new baby there that I will have to coo and smile at. There will be questions from friends who knew that we were trying, wondering what on earth is taking so long. But there will also be a couple in love who is making a formal commitment to each other in front of us all. It will be their day. And I will have to follow my husband's lead and keep on living my life, dance like there's no one watching, celebrate like I haven't been hurt.

5 Comments:

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4:13 AM  
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10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone has days when they are down, worn out, overcoming anxiety and just not feeling all that happy.

That's OK, you need to have days like this, otherwise how would you know when you are happy. You need to have something to contrast your happiness with. What is black without white?

Even though you know that sadness (overcoming anxiety) is a part of life, let's try to make it a small part of life.

With that said, here are a few tips to help you feel better when you are feeling down in the dumps. They are easy to do, easy to practice every day and they work!

1. Stand up straight, sit up straight. When your body is in alignment your energy can flow and when your energy is flowing freely, you can flow.

2. Smile! Yes, just smile. Easy to do and effective.

3. Repeat positive affirmations. Things like "I feel good", "Positive energy flows through my body", "I see the good in all".

4. Listen to some music that you like. It doesn't have to be anything specific, just something you enjoy. Certain types of music work better than others, but experiment and see what works for you. Studies have shown that Classical music and new age music work best.

5. Take some time out for yourself, relax and read a book, do something for yourself.

6. Meditate. Meditation is an excellent habit to develop. It will serve you in all that you do. If you are one who has a hard time sitting still, then try some special meditation CDs that coax your brain into the meditative state. Just search for "Meditation music" on Google or Yahoo and explore.

Our outside work is simply a reflection of our inside world. Remember there is no reality just your perception of it. Use this truth to your advantage. Whenever you are sad, realize that it is all in your mind and you do have the power to change your perception.

These tips will lift you up when you are down, but don't just use them when you are sad or overcoming anxiety . Try and practice them everyday, make them a habit. You will be surprised at how these simple exercises will keep the rainy days away.

On a final note, if you are in a deep depression that you can't seem to shake, please go see a doctor. This is your life and don't take any chances. overcoming anxiety

10:51 AM  
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